How the Grinch Stole my Christmas Spirit.

Parenthood is a test to essentially see how strong your relationship is with your significant other. Sad to say, it happened to us in an explosive way. Jon and I got into a HUGE fight on December 18th that lead to him tossing our tree out with the decorations ruining my Christmas spirit as well as trying to kill my cat by strangling her. In that short amount of time coming home from the concert to leaving to pick Madison up, with no sleep I packed up Madison and my stuff and picked her up from her grandparents since she stayed there the night before so Jon and I could go to his co-workers concert. We headed down to my parents after I came back to get my cat because I was fearful of what he would do to her with me not there. Both his parents and mine were supportive, some gave unwanted advice, great advice, and some even just comforted me by listening to what happened.

We since then have worked it out...kinda. I'm still not over it, but I have started to see a change in him in the way he treats me, a good thing. We spent the next few days apart to cool off. He apologized instantly after I got down to my parents. He never apologizes, he still does to this day. I think he feels guilty for the horrible things he said and did that night. I came up that Wednesday and he apologized over and over again. From our talk we both realized we need to communicate better, yes we talk but not like we used to before having Madison where we would have time to talk for as much as possible without worrying "where the baby is, or if she is okay?"

Some friends were consoling and I appreciate them for being there when I needed them. Some aren't accepting of me going back to him after that night, but the matter of fact is we have a daughter that we want her to see if we can work it out for her sake. I still love my friends that  don't accept my decision, it means they care for me too much to see me get hurt. I need to do this though to see if we can work out our issues. We do care about each other, yes I still don't forgive him. I know it's going to take a year or more, but we're hoping through counseling we can work on our issues as a couple together. We both took on the world on our shoulders when Madison was born, but we didn't talk to each other about it. I was so focused on Madison's needs that I didn't look at my needs, Jon's needs, or "our" needs as a couple. 

My friend told me that once your glass cup is broken you're done for in a relationship, but what if we can mend the broken pieces together. My greatest fear is becoming a single parent within a matter of minutes, but we haven't given each other a ring to wear to say we are married. We took a step back in our relationship of four and a half years, it will take a new year of mending our relationship together again. We can do it, I feel the support from our family and friends, but mostly from the love we both have for Madison, we can and will make it work as a family.

Belated postings...

It's been months since I've posted anything new on here!

I think taking full-time school plus a little toddler has been a bit overwhelming the last few months. It's a good sense of feeling overwhelmed, but none the less it leaves me little time to sit down and write on here. I would love to say it will change, but honestly friends (who do read my blog) it might not be as often as I want to post. So I'm going to not be able to post as much when January hits due to school resuming, but after this week I will have time to post more since I'm in finals week currently. Here's a tid bit of what has been happening in our household, I'll post more in the next week to come...

Christmas elves have taken over our house this past weekend as we have our wreath, fresh Christmas tree, holiday music, and stockings all hung up and ready to celebrate with family. Madison has been the best little helper in all of this especially in hunting down the perfect Christmas tree which we found on Saturday with Grandpa and Uncle Matthew. Uncle Matthew sacrificed his eye so we could get that tree, so we are eternally grateful for his help! Jon helped set up the tree and we have been busy transforming the house into a winter wonderland. I'll post pictures up when I can! Madison is now 21 months old and has been a good, but busy little one with seeing grandparents, seeing friends at daycare, and learning new words at a constant rate! She has even taken a few more steps in growing up which I'll talk about later in another post :)

Jon has been working a lot especially lately. His job at Google is taking a toll on him physically, but he doesn't mind it at all. In fact, his executive chef has switched him from the morning shift to the night shift so he will be working Monday through Thursday 10 hour days. He told me he feels like he might be getting a promotion with the amount of responsibility, he makes me so happy to know he finally found a passion that he loves to do. He never seems to get bored with his job, always something new everyday.

As for me,  I should be studying right now, but this quarter was easy with my classes I took. It was my choice to take a lighter load, still 16 credits, but less stress with no science classes.  It just seemed more time consuming otherwise with clinicals the past month. What are clinicals you might be asking? Well it's an internship for my certified nursing class that counts as school credit. My amazing group of five classmates and I have been going to Emerald Heights nursing home which is by far amazing. I've seen and learned things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise if I didn't get placed into that group. I've never dealt with real patients so this was a HUGE awakening for me as to what to expect in the real world of nursing. I have gotten to know patients who have passed especially recently with Zena. She is one of the spunkiest 96 year old ladies I knew who was still able to walk and keep a conversation going. It was very unexpected and I didn't think I would get attached to her as much as I did. Working in the real world has shown how to deal with nurses, co-workers, and most importantly the patients, that's the reason we are there...to make them as happy as possible. After this week, I'll begin studying for my TEAS test which is early next year, it's for nursing school so I have to kick major booty on it! A lot of my friends who have said it 's one of the hardest test they have taken by far which is a lot since all my friends are ridiculously smart!

Anyways that's our life in a nutshell, I'll post more pics/post to come with a month off I know I'll have time to keep up with this blog! Life has been so busy that I forget to sit down and relax, hopefully a month off to enjoy with family will cure that!

Oh goodness, changes.

It's been a whirlwind of busy for our household with many changes, all good :)

First big change is Madison turning into a little toddler who has a mind of her own with a new vocabulary  being built on a daily basis. She's 16 months now and so full of energy! Everyday she blows my mind on how she can be so grown up in comparison to the past year, she just has blossomed into a little lady!

Second big change is that we have moved from Bothell to Seattle as of July 1st :) Madison has her own room and we love being 5 minutes away from a park not to mention a block away from a coffee shop (for Mommy's sake). Another bonus is we are 10 minutes from Alki beach which is perfect with this lovely week of great weather! We love our new townhouse and I'll be posting pictures soon once I have internet, right now I'm at Jon's parents house writing this to keep up to date :)

Third big change is Jon has a job at Google! The chef he interned for was hired by Google to hire chefs for a cafe opening towards the end of the month so he told Jon he would get him an interview which Jon did amazing at, they offered him a job on the spot!

Fourth big change is I'm done with my first quarter back as a full-time student with 5 classes taken. Somehow I pulled through all my classes with four 4.0's and one 3.2 from my A&P 242 class. That class was the death of me if I didn't survive, but luckily I don't have to retake it with my other classes that are pretty much 4.0's. Overall my gpa was a 3.77 :) Now it's back to summer quarter full time with A&P 241, Stats, and Art Appreciation :) I'm pretty excited once I'm done with this quarter because then I'll be done with my pre-reqs for nursing school, now I just need to get hours of medical experience (250 hours, eek!).

Finally things are getting all pulled together in the right direction with family life, school, and everything else. Life is good and I couldn't ask for anything more than to ask the sun to keep shining!

Happy 15 months.

Happy 15 months Madison!

Your such a little blessing. I didn't realize that you would grow up so fast from a baby who relied on me for everything into a little one that is now exploring and able to talk to me and let me know what you want!You are able to tell me when you want to eat, what you want, as well as able to be say hi, mama, dada, baba (blanket), and grandma on command :) Plus you love to go outside on the balcony and watch to people watch which I adore you so much.

You even surprised me today by taking the nursing pump and your cup full of juice taking your juice and somehow inserting it into the pump, later showing me the results after. Oh my gosh, you just cracked me up and I couldn't stop laughing. Oh my, Madison I love you :)

'Check this out mom.'

She's figuring it out here :)

The final result.

Your such a little gift, I don't think you realize it baby girl :) 

I love you!

<3

Mama's day.

As my second Mother's day approaches, I can't help but reflect on the past year with how things have changed. All the responsibilities seem to fall on my shoulder in the household with laundry, cleaning house, and keeping up with Madison, the toddler-on top of that, I am a full time student and the stress has been overwhelming for me especially lately. As Mother's day is tomorrow, I wish I could ask for a day to just relax, but I can't. Instead I'll be prepping for a midterm bright and early Monday morning (boo, I know), but I just don't know what to feel anymore. My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately with everything, I need a break from it all and sit back and reflect on what I have in my life with my little family with Madison and Jon is what I need.

Thank you Madison for being my little toddler who always reminds me that I need to push myself, yet I need to enjoy life when I am stressing out like right now.

To those mamas with any baby or toddler keeping them busy then give them a day to relax and not just run around running, instead try to help out and not just watch them slowly lose themselves in the everyday aspects. Be there for them especially on a day for Mother's day.

A guilty feeling.

I never thought I would have to take Madison to daycare, but she started last Monday {04.05.2011} She did really well and seemed to improve each day as I dropped her off and let her know I would be back with a hug and a kiss. I think she's taking it better than I am honestly, I still feel like I failed as a mom for even putting her into daycare. I feel like I still have time to take her out of there to stay at home with me, but at the same time I get told that it will get better and I'm hoping it does for both Madison and I. I just need to feel more at ease, but my separation anxiety is pretty ridiculously bad when it comes to leaving Madison. I know, I thought she would have it worse than me, but it's way worse for momma.

While we begin daycare, we are also working on weaning from nursing which is proving to be a challenge for me as well. In my a&p 242 class, we have been talking about the hormones that produces...the milk which is oxytocin while prolactin releases the milk to let down. I know nerd talk, sorry had to show off some what I've learned so far :) Well it's getting harder to not want to nurse her whenever I am around her, yes I nurse her at night but we are working on cutting out more of the day nursing which seems to be working just fine! I never thought weaning would be harder than this! Ah!

No tears, no fear.

I thought I wouldn't bite my words, but I found myself doing that today as I drove to school with Madison half awake in her car seat. Today was a big day, spring quarter begin but also Madison went to her first day of daycare. Ah just thinking of this made me sad. Once we pulled up to the parking lot, I could feel my anxiety go up knowing that she was going to have to go to daycare while I had to go to learn. When we walked in, she seemed pretty happy, we got there early just because I knew how long it would take me to pull away from her. She eventually started walking around and exploring and yes I did take pictures of her :) After awhile I decided I had to head to school or else I was never going to leave. I It took awhile, but eventually I said "bye" and kissed her good bye. She followed me as I headed towards the door and once I stepped outside, I waited a minute just to make sure she didn't scream her head off. Instead I looked inside and she was just looking around, she didn't cry. I felt so proud of her for not crying, she didn't cry. Ah, as soon as I got to class, I sat down and I just wanted to cry, but I didn't. I held it in and just focused on school during the day, my mind did wander wondering how she was doing quite a bit.

By noon, I headed to the daycare which coincidentally happens to be at the school. It ended up being nap time for the little ones so I ended up running errands and went back to get her later, as soon as I walked in she went into my arms, it made me so happy to hold her little self again! Her teachers said that she found a liking to one of the teachers and just followed her. She did have moments of tears, but overall her blanket kept her comforted when they did come up. Her teacher, Kim told me that she ended up napping earlier than nap time on the little stairs in the middle of the room. They just put her on one of the napping cots and she slept well, she did so well. She had a blast though walking around and exploring her new area to destroy.

 I'm one proud mama.

I am going to be that mom where I must take photos of first days no matter how much she might not like it later on. It makes me proud to see her learn and explore in new environments. Here are some :)

Madison and I up bright and early :)

I love her little self.

Her new bag. :)

I guess I feel more at ease knowing she isn't screaming her head off the whole time, but it will be awhile until I l feel more comfortable.

Spring break: so much to do, such little time!

So it's official as of Thursday at 9 pm, I was on spring break! I'm relieved to be done with the quarter especially a&p, but to me a week off is just not enough time to rest and spend time with Madison and my family and friends!

 So far on my agenda for the break not in any particular order:
-a trip planned to Bellingham this coming Tuesday to visit my sister and see friends, I'm super excited for this trip!
-a trip home to see my parentals for a day or two so I can relax some while they enjoy the company of Madison!
-update photos and finally transferring photos to my computer!
-plan a lunch date with my grandpa to catch up on his recent trip to NY with my sister
-a girls night out with friends from my anatomy class which I'm super excited for!
-many walks at the park with Madison on the non-rainy days!
-working out and getting my eating habits to be better instead of eating junk
-relaxing and spending time with my family
-spring cleaning of the apartment inside out before life gets crazy again!
-meet up with friends locally and catch up :)
-a date night possibly with Jon???
-using my coupon from Emily that I got over a year ago for a massage that is well deserved!


I plan on accomplishing all these goals, but in just a week of my spring break seems too short!
Well ready set go, Madison and I are ready to check each one off the list :)

Oh goodness.

Time has flown, it's been a month since I've posted, Yikes!
I didn't realize how behind I have been in my post with the last month of school almost done in two days, I'll have more free time the next week to post up blogs (and pics, of course), I promise to my few readers!

Happy 13 month to Madison today :)

I love you baby girl!

Happy Birthday Madison!

Happy Birthday to my darling little girl!
I love you little babe!
Your one now, oh goodness!

Madison's first day :)

Madison and dada.

 

1st family photo

 

 

 

Just look at you now walking all over the place :)

1st birthday and sick with a teary eye, but the happiest little baby still!

                                                             I love you little baby!

My oh My, I survived.

Taken 3 days before Madison was born!

My last belly pic before Madison popped out!

Wow I survived my first year of motherhood! To say that already is overwhelming for me. Jon and I survived parenthood for the first whole year. Through it all, I'm so glad we did go through everything we did to get to where we are.

I'm honestly so proud that I've been able to nurse Madison for her first whole year! No formula, nothing but Mama's milk. Now I have to figure out when to wean her away and switch to regular milk.

I can't believe this time last year I was sitting at home with Jon and we were just having a conversation about how anxious we were with having to wait another 2 weeks. I think someone overheard because Madison arrived the next morning! It's been such a crazy year with a baby and going back to school, but I've learned so much from this past year on love. Madison has taught me a new kind of love that is indescribable until you experience it. It's not the fall in love type of love, but more the first time you love something that is always going to love you back. That's the kind of love Madison has given me.

Thank you Madison for all the lessons of love you have taught me, I love you baby girl.
Happy 1st Birthday Madison.

First & Last.

Madison's Valentines photo...one of many :)

Fifteen minutes ago ended Valentines day and officially started a new day. Yesterday was a great day for everyone in my little family. Madison and I woke up for the day and she had her kindermusik class where she found her first boy valentine besides her daddy. She crawled right up to him and grabbed his cheeks and just attempted to bite his nose off, but it ended up as a little peck on his nose, it was too cute. I wish I was able to record that on video so we can show her (and make her cheeks red) when dating begins in her life that she was after the boys at a young age. After her class we went to have lunch with her grandma at Molbak's and she definitely loved having lunch with grandma. Madison loved it so much she decided to stain her "1st Valentines day" onesie so that was the end of wearing that which only lasted half a day surprisingly. After lunch, we ran errands and came home to a beautiful bouquet of a dozen pink roses and chocolate (yum!). Madison decided she wanted to see her grandma again so we went over to visit for a bit so she could play and show off her newly found walking skills off before heading home. Jon made dinner for us which consisted of fillet mignon and risotto with artichoke hearts (simplified the name since I can't remember the exact name of it), it was very delicious and I loved that we were able to stay home and enjoy Valentines day as a family.

This is the first of the last for Madison's holidays experienced. It might not make sense, but I'll try to elaborate. Her first holidays are all done and celebrated with and the last one was yesterday-Valentines day which was the first of many for her. Now it's time to just prepare her for the next round of holidays and the years to come. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, but sometimes it is just me :) Just thinking about this today made me happy and sad to know she has grown so much in the first 11 1/2 months of her being. Soon she'll be one and running around like crazy while I'm trying to keep up with her. Actually on a side note, she keeps me in good shape with her crawling around and I'm sure with her running around soon, it will just be even busier for me. So here's to more holidays with Madison as she embraces them throughout the years to come and eventually grow to love them as much as her mama does.

Balance Act.

Oh my gosh, I've been so neglectful blogging, but I guess this is another reason behind this blog...

Baby, school, and taking care of everything else in between is truly the test for proving a mom's test of balancing everything important in life. The need for keeping everything going and going well like a well oiled machine is much harder to do. When home life is going well, my school suffers. When school is going well, my home life suffers. I'm realizing it's all a balancing act and I can't just focus on one, but all of them when it's necessary. Thinking of school when in school should be my main focus, but when I'm at home I'm constantly processing my anatomy material and telling Madison about it. I think if anything I've learned is that at times, I need to combine some aspects of my life when things get tough. I'm so glad I can thank motherhood for the following advantages in life. Thanks to motherhood I'm becoming a much better multi-tasker, I'm able to think on my feet and think ahead much faster than before Madison was here. I can study and learn while teaching my bebe how the functions of the anatomy like the neuromuscular junction (it's a long complex process that I can finally explain to anyone!).  Motherhood has given me a bigger passion for life and in some ways made me realize who really matters in my life :) So much I can contribute to motherhood, but the most important one is that Jon and I are blessed with a sweet little angel baby that seems to amaze us each day with a smile on her face.

Thank you Madison for teaching momma the balance act, I love you little babe.

Folding over.

Yesterday was not a good day for mommy to say the least. After yesterday, today was a better success!
Madison went to Kindermusik today and loved it. Everyone missed her since she was sick and exposing other little ones to illness isn't the best idea. She was pretty snuggly with me in class staying close by and letting mommy hold her when doing the activities that required her to sit still. After class, she took a nap in the car as we ran errands!

When we got home, the little one was ready for play. My little babe is such a little explorer, she's been holding onto the coffee table and just cruising around there. Sheree, my neighbor gave me a walker for Madison. She's been using it like crazy and I'm guessing in no time, she'll be walking around before her first birthday.

Speaking of her first birthday, I'm planning two parties, I know crazy There is one in Tacoma and one in Woodinville. I didn't think about how much work it is going to be with school and coordinating with the grandparents. One will be with family (Tacoma) and Woodinville with friends. I hope it all turns out well, so far it's just trying to figure out what to do, who to invite, and everything in between. There is so much to do in such little time, I need to remember to breathe through it all.

Sigh.

It's just one of those days for me as a mom where I just don't feel up to being upbeat and perky. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness from everything that has built up in the past few weeks of stress. Just thinking about my relationship and how it's changed hurts my heart. I just feel like a single parent all the time even when he is in the same room, he doesn't help out at all.. I can't do things I want to do because I know he doesn't want to watch Madison so I can get things done and just have some "me" time.My friend Emily got me a gift certificate on Madison's birthday to go get a massage and I have yet to redeem it. Lately the stress of school and taking care of baby has left me with this overwhelming feeling and left me feeling dried out. I need help with Madison and no one is there to help me. I know his parents will help me, but I don't want to ask them all the time, I wish my parents lived closer because I know they would help out with watching Madison. Life is just overwhelming for me and I feel like I'm trapped in the corner with no one on my side.

Cold season.

Madison has caught a little cold. We've been feeding her, but her appetite doesn't seem so big since she has been sick. I've been giving her nightly bubble baths and rubbing her chest with baby vicks (I love the smell of that stuff). She's been taking medicine every six hours or so. And she's been going through boxes and boxes of kleenex. I feel like I've been doing everything right, but she doesn't seem to be getting better, but worse. I wish I could take away her cold so she doesn't have to suffer. Her sleep cycle has just gotten worse with the cold. She has been sleeping in later until ten, and going to bed almost as late as midnight. Plus the amount of times she's been waking in the middle of the night has been five plus times.
Tonight was no different, she fought the sleep with the lack of naps taken today. Madison was given a lovely warm bath with her bath toys which she loved. I rubbed her chest with baby vicks and put her in pajamas then nursed her in hopes it would put her to sleep around 8. Instead she just wanted to seem to play with mommy, but I couldn't since I had to take my sociology quiz before nine. Surprisingly I did well with Madison playing around me. I gave in tonight after an hour of trying to get her to sleep by nursing. The crying out method was put to use and it was heart breaking again for me, I feel like that method might have to be used unless I can figure out what to do to get her to bed sooner so here I go turning to my readers! I need advice on how to get baby to sleep early and a simple one that her dad can do when I have class until 9 two days a week. So any advice mamas for a mama wanting some time to relaxing in the evening?

Cry it out.

Last night was a rough night for Madison. She barely went down for a nap throughout the whole day, she probably slept for twenty minutes at most. I started getting her ready for bed around 7 and she seemed pretty tired as we played endlessly for the next two hours. As 9 approached which is her normal bedtime, she rubbing her eyes and cuddling into her favorite blanket which means she is sleepy and ready for bed. As I tried nursing her to sleep like I usually do, Madison just kept on fighting it and me as well. She just kept on fighting me by pulling away. I took her to the bedroom where it was more calming with no lights and she still wouldn't nurse so I turned to my last resort: crying it out. For all you readers, crying it out means putting your child in their crib and letting them cry it out until they get restless and finally end up falling asleep. It's one of the methods I told myself I wouldn't do as a mom, but there was nothing I could do to keep her happy so it was my last resort. She cried it out for a few, but it seemed like an hour for me. She finally stopped crying after ten minutes, but I just felt like a horrible mother for doing that.
Does anyone have advice on what to do when your baby isn't wanting to fall asleep after a long day? I know I need to start weaning her soon from breastfeeding which is sounding scarier just by the thought. The whole sleep training sounds like a train wreck just waiting to happen and I most definitely am nervous about it!

Hello 2011.

This year has been crazy and it's only been 11 days :)
Our hectic lives are once again filled with kindermusik, back to school trying to find time to study and have a social  life with study groups, mommy/baby group meetings, and play dates plus spending time with Jon and making time for us as a couple which is much harder to do than say. I don't do new years resolutions, but I decided to set one up for myself even with everything going on! So instead of the normal resolution that is the most common which is to lose weight, I find myself wanting to do the opposite: gain weight! Yes I know, gaining weight sounds like a sin, but I'll explain. Since I'm breastfeeding, I find that I'm still eating for two. I eat..a lot! So trust me when I say I feel the need to feel healthy as well as looking healthy by taking care of myself. Currently I am  at 98 lbs (12 lbs under) my pre-pregnancy weight which is not good, I feel like a skeleton and I don't like that feeling. So what am I planning to get to my healthy weight you may ask?
Well I'm going to eat even more than a do, healthy well not so much sugar, but food with substance that will help me gain good weight that will stay for the long haul (I hope). I also I plan on working out whether it's cardio or yoga, whatever I can do with a baby around unless I get a YMCA pass where they will watch Madison for me, but I'll have to figure that out since it will cost moo-lah. Last year I got some vouchers to go work out at some places so we will definitely be using them!
I was wondering what you are planning on doing for your new years resolution? Let me know, maybe I can help out?! Who knows!


But I hear my little one waking from her sleep, so I should head to bed :)



Good night!