A guilty feeling.

I never thought I would have to take Madison to daycare, but she started last Monday {04.05.2011} She did really well and seemed to improve each day as I dropped her off and let her know I would be back with a hug and a kiss. I think she's taking it better than I am honestly, I still feel like I failed as a mom for even putting her into daycare. I feel like I still have time to take her out of there to stay at home with me, but at the same time I get told that it will get better and I'm hoping it does for both Madison and I. I just need to feel more at ease, but my separation anxiety is pretty ridiculously bad when it comes to leaving Madison. I know, I thought she would have it worse than me, but it's way worse for momma.

While we begin daycare, we are also working on weaning from nursing which is proving to be a challenge for me as well. In my a&p 242 class, we have been talking about the hormones that produces...the milk which is oxytocin while prolactin releases the milk to let down. I know nerd talk, sorry had to show off some what I've learned so far :) Well it's getting harder to not want to nurse her whenever I am around her, yes I nurse her at night but we are working on cutting out more of the day nursing which seems to be working just fine! I never thought weaning would be harder than this! Ah!

No tears, no fear.

I thought I wouldn't bite my words, but I found myself doing that today as I drove to school with Madison half awake in her car seat. Today was a big day, spring quarter begin but also Madison went to her first day of daycare. Ah just thinking of this made me sad. Once we pulled up to the parking lot, I could feel my anxiety go up knowing that she was going to have to go to daycare while I had to go to learn. When we walked in, she seemed pretty happy, we got there early just because I knew how long it would take me to pull away from her. She eventually started walking around and exploring and yes I did take pictures of her :) After awhile I decided I had to head to school or else I was never going to leave. I It took awhile, but eventually I said "bye" and kissed her good bye. She followed me as I headed towards the door and once I stepped outside, I waited a minute just to make sure she didn't scream her head off. Instead I looked inside and she was just looking around, she didn't cry. I felt so proud of her for not crying, she didn't cry. Ah, as soon as I got to class, I sat down and I just wanted to cry, but I didn't. I held it in and just focused on school during the day, my mind did wander wondering how she was doing quite a bit.

By noon, I headed to the daycare which coincidentally happens to be at the school. It ended up being nap time for the little ones so I ended up running errands and went back to get her later, as soon as I walked in she went into my arms, it made me so happy to hold her little self again! Her teachers said that she found a liking to one of the teachers and just followed her. She did have moments of tears, but overall her blanket kept her comforted when they did come up. Her teacher, Kim told me that she ended up napping earlier than nap time on the little stairs in the middle of the room. They just put her on one of the napping cots and she slept well, she did so well. She had a blast though walking around and exploring her new area to destroy.

 I'm one proud mama.

I am going to be that mom where I must take photos of first days no matter how much she might not like it later on. It makes me proud to see her learn and explore in new environments. Here are some :)

Madison and I up bright and early :)

I love her little self.

Her new bag. :)

I guess I feel more at ease knowing she isn't screaming her head off the whole time, but it will be awhile until I l feel more comfortable.