New Years.

As 2010 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on what a year this has been for my family and I.
This time last year, I would have just been telling people that I was expecting and I was finding that a lot of support was where I didn't expect it. The 8 weeks between once I found out I was pregnant (yes I know, super late) and when Madison arrived was a blur with getting ready for baby's arrival with getting baby . Once Maddie arrived, this year just picked up it's pace as we went through parenthood learning how to be the best parents possible. Once we started getting the hang of things, I decided to go back to school to pursue my nursing degree when Madison was 4 months old. Things were just as hectic throughout the summer as we had planned our first vacation as a family with Jon's family to Leavensworth. It was a great vacation for us to get away, but as soon as we got back, the next day we were off to go camping with my family. It was fun to see my relatives from Idaho and just have them meet the newest member of the family (Madison, of course). As summer dwindled down so did the traveling and hectic scheduling as we settled into a routine just in time as school started up for both Jon and I. Things picked up as our schedule consisted of classes for all three of us, including Madison's kindermusik. As the holidays drew near, we prepped for them as much as we could with decorations and shopping for loved ones. To sum up the holidays I can say that it was filled with family, friends, and even more family! Madison was able to meet her great grandparents and spend time with both as well as with family from out of state!

This year has definitely been a crazy year mixed with lots of memories to cherish. To end on a high note now has been a blessing knowing that Jon and I have been able to reconnect and come back to being whole again as a couple as well as realizing that we do need our alone time as well as our together time without baby to just cherish our time together. Growing up has happened on both our ends and I can see that we are great parents. With the support of both of our families and friends, we will be able to one day look back and realize how lucky and blessed we are with everyone loving Madison and us. 2011 will be a new year of good change and it will just enhance our future as we look towards to bigger and brighter things :) 


Thank you to all my family and friends for being there for us as we dealt with struggles and got through each one stronger than the other.

Happy New Years everyone and I hope 2010 was good to you, may 2011 bring you even more joy!

Biting baby.

Lately Madison has been teething and for me, it's been tolerable until recently. She's been biting me when nursing and it hurts (badly)! I don't know how to stop her from it, but she finds it funny and just laughs. She also is developing a habit of biting me or anyone for that mater, when she is being held by someone. She has bitten me on my arm and shoulder, there was a close call on the neck but I was able to move her in time. How do you stop a baby of this habit so it doesn't get worse? Any suggestions?

Merry Christmas!

                                                       Merry Christmas everyone!

As the holiday comes to an end, I can't help but feel happy for Madison and her first time experiencing Santa, presents, and all the joy of Christmas! We went to Jon's parents house early at 9 am and ate delicious fresh crossaints from Pike Place with fresh berries (yum)! We opened gifts and it took over an hour, Madison seemed more interested in the wrapping paper than any of her toys she received.Overall, she seemed to love all her gifts with the exception of her new tickle-me-elmo! She was frightened of him because of his laughter, I felt bad because I couldn't do anything about it except hide it from her to calm her down. I hope she will eventually like it, let's hope. I even got a surprise gift from Jon-a new laptop :) It was such a surprise, I didn't know what to say after, but I'm loving it and can't wait to have skype dates with friends and family. After gifts we headed home and decided to head down to Tacoma. Madison slept right through it all because she was so exhausted from getting gifts with Jon's family.

Once we got down, we opened more presents with my family. Madison loved it once again especially all the wonderful jackets she received. She will never be a naked baby that's for sure! We went out to my Aunt's house to reunite with family and lifelong friends I've grown up with. It is so weird to see everyone all grown up and all older than the last time we reunited which was many moons ago! Madison loved seeing her many "aunties." This has been a great Christmas by far and I can't wait for Madison's next Christmas when she will open even more gifts I'm sure.


Happy holidays everyone and I hope you all had a memorable and wonderful day!

coming to terms.

As Christmas eve comes to an end, I find myself accepting a lesson that only took years to understand. To begin, my little family and I went to the Miller's for the yearly Christmas eve party. It was great and fun to see everyone and whatnot until I overheard Jon talking to his best friend, Reed saying that my parents live in the ghetto and I never invited him down for Christmas...he said more stuff and it hurt my feelings. I strayed away from him for the rest of the evening until it was time to head home. I couldn't contain myself the second we got home, Madison asleep already from the car ride was laid in her crib peacefully, as I broke down into tears pissed off at Jon for his hurtful words. He asked me what was wrong, I being a woman said "nothing." Of course, he knew something was eating at me from my tears and rumbling around making noise. I just said "I heard you talking shit about my parents." This is when he tells me the realization I didn't want to come to terms with all my life, my parents are awkward to be around. Yes I know they are not the most social people, but don't tell your best friend that only to have me hear. We talked, well me more yelling my emotions of anger, bitterness, and disdain for him at that moment. Once I finally cooled down, I realized something. Growing up I always thought your parents are judged based on the way you came off, and vice versa. Now I'm realizing that we are individuals and as we grow up, our parents either change or stay the same. In my case they stayed stuck in their ways with my mom teaching us her filippino heritage while my dad attempts to tell jokes. I always told myself that I never wanted to be like my parents growing up because they didn't allow me to express or really be myself growing up and I still do believe that. Let me get it out there, I do love them to death, but we've never seen eye to eye and this is one circumstance. Jon made me realize that people aren't judging me based on my parents, they aren't judging me based on where I grew up. They are judging me based on where I go in life and how I raise Madison. My view of why parents are the way they are is yet to be defined as I continue learning to be a parent, but coming to terms that my parents aren't perfect nor will they ever be is a good way to begin my journey.


On a holiday note, Merry Christmas!

then and now...

Happy 10 months to my baby girl :)
Everyday I look at her and just smile, she is such a blessing and I can't believe it was just one year ago it all changed.


THEN...
I can't believe one year ago this day things changed for me. This was the day I took a pregnancy test, I found out I was pregnant. When I saw that I was, I cried. I don't know how long I did, but it was my reaction. I didn't know what to think or what to do. I had to make sure the test was right so I went to see a doctor about it and she confirmed I was pregnant. I cried even more because now I needed to tell everyone, I wish I could say I was excited, but I was more scared if anything as to what everyone else would think especially since I was 29 weeks along. I know, I found out way later than usual. Telling our family and friends made me realize that I did have more support than I thought.

NOW...
It's amazing what 365 days do to one person's life. I am so surprised how much can change in a year, yes I had a baby, but so much more. My perspective on life has changed for the brighter and my hopes for Madison just make me happy knowing that we are raising a wonderful baby girl. I wasn't back in school, now I am heading towards my goal of becoming a nurse and have a plan made out. Jon and I have our eyes towards the future and making Madison a strong, independent girl. I realized in the past year that I have found a deeper love for life and for family.

Thank you Madison for changing our life, we love you for it!

Balance.

Now that school is done for the quarter, it's time to spend some quality family time with Jon and Madison.

We haven't had many family days because Jon and I have schedules that are the opposite school wise and we both just have never gotten the timing right. Realizing that we have a family now, I have come to realizations that we don't spend enough time together as a family. Yes Madison and I spend a lot of time together, but it's never really been Jon, Madison, and I. Looking back on my childhood, it was a great childhood but I can't remember a lot of times with my whole family together spending time enjoying the presence of one another. It was either both my parents were there yet my sister or brother weren't. Or my dad would be at work while mom was with us kids. Life got in our  way and I wish it didn't. I don't want life to get in our way. I know it will in time, but I can delay that time and spend as much time making memories with Madison and Jon as a family up until she starts to resent her parents, which I hope never happens yet she will become a teenager which is just one of the common occurrences in their lives.
Balancing school, work, and whatever else happens is what we need to make more time for family. Seeing all the families torn apart due to the military is heartbreaking especially when I know, my family is right in front of me and I'm not taking full advantage. I hope Jon and I cherish all the time we have with her at this age. Here's to family planned events for us :) Family pictures will be this Friday which I'm looking forward too, and yes to my friends, you will be getting a cheesy holiday card from us with a family picture, our first of many to come :)



On a side note, I passed my biology class with an A (99.6%), yes I did..whoot whoot! Now bring it on A&P!

Day dreamer.

As school dwindles down (2 classes left!) and the holidays approach, I can't help but daydream about Madison's first holidays experience. I know I shouldn't do that in class, but it's hard not too!

Thanksgiving was a hit for her as she interacted with five women and two men including her great Grandmother Ileen, Grandmother Karen, Aunt Heather, Aunt Ambre, Grandpa Lee, and daddy and her mommy (me, of course)! She was constantly laughing and smiling with all the attention she was getting and so many people to play with. Her first and only nap of the day, yes only one nap was at 11:30 am until noon and yes she was up for the rest of the day. I would say she took nap around five, but it only lasted for five minutes. She was a trooper though sitting down through four courses of Thanksgiving dinner, of course she dined with us in her high chair :)

Here are some pictures from Thanksgiving! Enjoy!


                                          

1st course: a delicious salad with walnuts, bleu cheese, and more

                                  

2nd course: a potato dish mixed with olives and goodness :)

                                          

3rd course: risotto with rack of lamb

                                        

4th course: angel hair pasta with seared scallops and pesto

                                        

Madison waiting for her food :)

Aunt Heather

                                        
                                                                  

Aunt Ambre

        

Grandpa with Madison resting her foot on the table, only she can get away with it.

                                            

Madison reaching for Grandma's glasses off Aunt Ambre. 

                                          

Great Grandma Ileen singing to Madison :)

Melting point.

Ever heard the phrase, "happy mommy, happy baby?"
It really does apply in all cases.

Take yesterday for example, not a good day for mom or baby.

 I didn't have a good night after Thanksgiving dinner because Jon was drunk and saying mean things to me which made me really sad, but I didn't want to show it in front of his family so I just put on a happy face in hopes of leaving for home soon. Instead of coming home he stayed at his friends house. The next morning he came home and apologized for being so drunk, but no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't forgive him. I don't know why, but all my built up resentment towards him just couldn't forgive him for the hurtful things he said so yesterday just was my meltdown point. I couldn't look at him without getting mad, so Madison and I went to the library so I could just focus on my school studies. We later came home and my temper still was fuming. I just never got this mad even growing up. I don't know why, but at home I just tried to put my happy face on for Madison's sake and she could see right through it. She was feeding off my vibe and it just ended up with her crying non-stop no matter how much I held her or played with her, she was not in a happy mood nor was I. I couldn't take it and I just broke down crying and yelling because I was so frustrated that she wouldn't stop crying while she cried in her crib. I haven't broken down since she's been born and it just all got to me.

Jon took her and comforted her because I was still in the bedroom angry with myself for acting this way.  He came in later and sat down apologizing for what he said last night. I don't know if I should forgive him at this point. Every time he says the hurtful things he says to me, it makes me feel so insecure about myself and I always wonder when am I going to become a single parent officially. This is the part of parenthood that makes me wonder if we can make it through parenthood together or will I have to be a single mom. Until then everyday is one step at a time as we attempt to get through this together.
Our status right now is shaky, I haven't forgiven him and I don't know what to do at this point. I'm thinking we need to do couples therapy, I don't know though. Help?

Has anyone else gone through this? Or am I alone?

Snowgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'll keep this short and sweet!

Today is an exciting day with Madison's first thanksgiving!
She's super excited with the snow and seeing family!
Today is the first snowgiving for us as well!

I"m thankful for...
*family that supports my little family with love and words of encouragement.
*my boyfriend, Jon and daugher, Madison who make me happy.
*what we have been given with each blessing watching Madison grow everyday into an adventurous little girl.
*a healthy baby :)
*everyone in my family is all healthy and living life.
*the friends I've reconnected with throughout this year making our friendships stronger than ever.


Happy turkey day and eat lots!

Appreciate.

As the holidays approach, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness. Yes it is the time of year to spend the most time with family, but it seems like every year gets less and less in my case. This will be my second year away from Thanksgiving with my family. I feel saddened by this and can't help but wish time would go back to when I did go home. Last year, I remember Jon and I wanted to spend Thanksgiving together for the first time since we've been together and it was a great Thanksgiving, but now that this is going to be my second year spending it without my family, it makes me want to just surprise them on Thanksgiving day even more.
I know it sounds like a great idea in my mind and when it's say aloud, but the drive down in the snow/ice would scare me and just make me have a heart attack. I haven't driven in the snow this year yet in they Hyundi yet, Jon told me that it drives fine but I've been in way too many close calls with snow driving that I still get nervous thinking about it. I'm going to plan to see my family on Christmas day, but why can't that be here sooner? With school coming to an end and other priorities already made, it's feels like there isn't enough time for me to make up to my family for missing out on another Thanksgiving.

I realize that I'm missing out on making family memories with my own family. Cherishing the time you have with family is the most important thing anyone can do in their lives. Do cherish what time you have with family because as you get older, life gets in the way sometimes which makes you miss it even more.

Let it snow for my baby girl.

What a way to celebrate Madison's 9 months with snow :)

We woke up to snow and she just gazed out the window watching it fall. Today is Monday which means it's baby music class so we put on our warm winter gear and trotted out.

                                                      Here is us outside :)


We ended up being the only weekly ones there besides another baby named Jake who just started the class. It was still an enjoyable time for us and it even started to snow lightly while we were there.

After class, we went home and I found out that my evening class was canceled so it was a family day at home! It was just nice to be stuck at home with family :) Madison showed off her standing skills (sorta) to me. Here she is peaking into her toy box!

 For dinner, we ate grilled cheese and tomato soup (my favorite)!

Madison had a bubble bath with me and she loves water, I have a feeling she is going to be a swimmer (nothing like me in that sense).


It was just another great day with my little family :)
Happy 9 months my baby girl, I love you!

Happy Birthday big baby.

Happy Birthday to my big baby, Jon Paul.

I love you even though we drive each other crazy sometimes in our tiny apartment that gets smaller everyday with Madison crawling around. You still make me happy after a hectic day with Madison and I love you for teaching me to keep calm and breath when I feel like I'm going to go crazy!



♥

Transformation.

I hate when people talk about body image so this is an advanced warning that I will be talking about my body image for the first time since baby was born. Here I go.

"You had a baby?"

Yes I get that a lot. I know I should feel blessed that I was able to go back to wearing my pre-baby clothing within a week after Madison was born, but eight months after having my little bundle of love I feel like I am bleh.

My body changed after having Madison, obviously. Since I'm breast feeding, my boobs are bigger and I don't have that same look to me as before. I feel like I'm still getting used to my body (I know eight months post baby).

Lately the past two weeks, I've been contemplating whether to breast feed until Madison's first birthday, but I just keep contemplating to stop at nine months which is coming up or to keep on chugging along. I am getting insight from family and friends and I just want to be me again. I keep on having this battle with myself on what is best for Madison, but I need to blog my peace to get it off my chest.

I know it will sound selfish, but I want to be able to wear my favorite tops again. Since breast feeding, I can't wear what I want on top. I need to make sure that I have access to feed her wherever we are. I want my boobs to go back to my size before (34B), I don't know how girls who get bigger boobs do it. It's so uncomfortable and hard to find tops that fit me now, I despise shopping now. I know Jon loves them, but seriously it makes me uncomfortable. I secretly loathe them. I feel like when I walk into a room that's all that people stare at me for. I'm sure they are staring at me because I look like I'm sixteen with a baby, seriously! I might be over exaggerating on how big they are, but I hide them when I get the chance. They just don't fit my personality and I hope they do go down back to my pre baby size.

There I said my peace about my post baby body.
Now I'm ready to move on.

Indulgence.

Happy Belated Halloween everyone!

I hope yours was memorable :)

Growing up, I was not given the chance to crave pumpkins, go trick or treating with my parents, and just enjoy dressing up on Halloween night. Yes, I did go trick or treating, but with my friends and their parents. My parents aren't big on Halloween to say the least. So growing up deprived of halloween tradition, I decided this is the year of indulging with Madison's first Halloween.

                                            Craving pumpkins:

Pumpkin craving :)

Grandma getting the guts out.

Madison assisting with her cracker :)

Hello Kitty pumpkin :)
Mommy & Madison's first of many to come :)

Madison was able to enjoy her first Halloween indulging in all the activities that a kid should.
She went to her first costume party at her grandfather's work, she was the cutest baby there :) She craved a pumpkin with the help of mommy of course and we were able to see it shine for the past few nights :) She went trick or treating with mommy at Bellevue Square mall and had such a blast seeing all the other kids and babies dressed up! It was a jungle out there literally. She even was the only trick or treater at her grandparents house and oh goodness the treats she got. She handed her eggplants and peppers off to her daddy for cooking, but she liked them while she had them :)

Halloween was a success thanks to family love :)

                                                                 Here is Madison =)

My kitty cat napping before Halloween =)

"Dada."

Yes Madison finally said her first word, dada.
I didn't want to believe it, but she did.

She kept saying it after dinner tonight. Jon would tell her to say dad and she would say "dada"  back just repeating it continuously. I'm a bit jealous because she didn't say mama, but I am sad because she is getting so brilliant. How is it that everyday she seems to be learn something new and accomplish a goal I hoped to not see because I wanted to keep her little forever.

Yes me being a mommy, I cried because I realized that she is growing up right before my eyes. She just looked at me and smiled as Jon told me it would be okay.

I know it will be, but can she just slow down on the growing for awhile so I can cuddle and cherish the moments even more?

Ah, so grown up.

I can't believe Madison is 8 months old already, it makes me wonder where the time has gone.

I love watching her develop as  a little baby to a little person that will accomplish so much in the world :)

Just from her 8 months being here with us, I can tell the following about her:

She is going to be a happy child.
She is tech savvy thanks to her daddy.
She will have incredible style thanks to her mommy.
She will have no fear of heights.
She is showing signs of independence wanting to be fed herself with the spoon.
She will be a very smart and aware of her surroundings.
She will be an animal lover especially for cats.
She has no hair still, but she is able to wear cute little headbands.
She is going to be a story teller.
She will be a great decorator and organizer :)
She will have a great smile that will spread infectiously.


I love you baby girl :)

Apologies.

"I'm sorry" are two powerful words that can make all the difference in a relationship. To hear those two words broke me down this past Tuesday night.

Let me start from the beginning though to fill you in on the backstory. Emily and I were best friends in high school, the best of the best. People would talk about us as a pair and not as Susan or Emily when together. We were inseparable and she was one of the few friends of mine that actually met my family and enjoyed their company. We first met in ninth grade and hit it off, we became such good friends by the time our senior came around, we both even decided to attend the same college at Western Washington.

As fall approached, we both moved into our dorms, not near by but we knew we could always visit one another. We were still really great friends, we had so many fun memories until that spring quarter. Something changed in our relationship, I couldn't tell you what it was, but it changed. Emily and I were not as close as in high school, she was not telling me stuff and I was doing the same because I didn't know how to approach her about it. I remember we stopped hanging out as much, she was different. By the time it was summertime, I lost her and it broke my heart.

I came home for the summer and reflected on my first year away, I lost friends including the most valuable one that I cherished. I knew even if we sorted things out, it wouldn't be the same ever again. Going into our second year, I hoped that we would sit down and talk. It never happened. During the summer Emily decided to move down to Lynnwood and go to school down there. I wished it was different, but I know it wouldn't be. Over the next few years we went our separate ways. It wasn't until I broke up with my first real boyfriend that I sent her a fb (facebook) message asking for advice. The response I got broke my heart even more. I was distraught as I read it as she spilled her guts out to me explaining that I was different and not the same Susan as before, etc. She went off on me basically calling our friendship off for good. I lost a part of me and it hasn't been found since.

This year I decided it was time to reach out to her and see if we could reconnect. Emily and I decided to have lunch dates and go from there, overall it was good to see her but it was still different. There was an awkwardness in the air like dancing around a bush to avoid confronting it. This past Tuesday, Madison and I went to her house to visit and hang out. It was great to see her again like always but once again, the awkwardness was there. I was getting ready to leave to go home while she was in the kitchen. I went in and she said, "I'm sorry." Right then, I started to cry. For the first time in years since I've known Emily, she cried. She said more stuff that brought our issues to the surface and for the first time I felt like a brick was lifted off my shoulder. We hugged and I headed home with Maddie. On the way home, I felt a relief of happiness and a fresh start for us to renew our friendship and a piece of me feels full again.

I'm glad that she can be here as I start a new chapter in my life being a mom. I want her to be part of my life because it felt empty without her. She has been the one friend I have always been the one to talk to about anything regarding family and personal stuff I couldn't bring to tell anyone about. For anyone out there wondering if it's too late to apologize to fix a friendship or relationship, it's never too late.

Truly Blessed.

Last night, I had a great conversation with a old friend from middle school who I have grown to become great friends over this past year. She and I both just have realized that you find your true friends as life gives you new chapters in life like having a baby. I lost touch with a lot of friends after some found out I was pregnant and it's sad to say good-bye to them, but at the same it's a realization that people change and life does go on. I can say I have a handful of friends that I can talk to about anything and it sounds pathetic, but it doesn't matter really. I used to be the girl with a whole bunch of acquaintances and I felt like I had the whole in my hands, but now as I age gracefully, I see that those who you can talk to and trust are the ones that mean more than just another acquaintance. I've been able to reconnect to old friends and it's different, but in a more meaningful way where we can talk about our lives and they actually mean something now.


Anyways I'm babbling, time to take Madison to her music class :)

Wedding Date.

This past Thursday, I went to a wedding with my little family, Jon and Madison. The wedding was held in Bellevue. It was for Jon's friend, Derek and his wife (now) Lauren. I've never  met Lauren until the reception and she was really nice, she's expecting a girl in December/January time so she had a bump, it was a cute bump. Madison wore a beautiful rose velvet dress with stockings (thank you Sharon and Chelsea) and rocked a off white headband! She handled the wedding ceremony very well up until the end when she was laughing and talking because Pam (Jon's best friends mom) was behind her making faces. I ended up walking around until the end and once the reception began, Madison was talking like crazy! She was passed around and shown off by all the moms and the "wannabe" grandmas (the ones where their kids  don't want to have children at the moment). It was great to see Jon's friends and people that I've gotten to consider family since I've been with Jon. She loved everything going on, the people, the lights. She definitely didn't want to sleep, but ended up fighting it up until we left around ten. It was a fun wedding, I'll always remember since it was my first with my family minus the cats :)

I know Jon and I have been together for over three years now, but it was official in my mind when we went to the wedding. It might sound weird to you, but I always think once you go to a wedding with your boyfriend, your official. It seemed like that in all the lifetime movies that attending a wedding was always part of initiation. So I guess to say, Jon and I are official in my mind makes me happy :)

Here is a picture of us at the wedding :)

Lost in Style.

Since becoming a mommy, I feel like my style has been lacking. I mean I wear clothes, but they no longer represent me as an individual but as an other new mom always on the go. I usually wear a basic tee with jeans because well it's easy. I have all my clothes from before I was pregnant, yes I fit into them happy to say. I just can't wear a lot of them since I nurse and some of them just don't fit right now in the upper area.
 I  wish they did, I have a blue tank top dress with floral print on the bottom half that I love love love, yet I can't wear it because it just doesn't fit :/ And then I have a really cute printed red dress that is one of my absolute favorites, but like before just doesn't fit. I'm holding onto them and hope that I can wear them in February when I will be done nursing.

I wish I could change up my wardrobe as easy as a snap, but no it's not that easy. I need some inspiration from anyone that can still allow me to wear more than just the basic mommy outfit and let me wear prints that are bright and vibrant like me yet I can still nurse easily :)

Anyone else feel like there lost with style or is it just me?

It's complicated.

As the holidays approach, I'm getting anxious not because I get to see Madison celebrate her first Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm excited for that actually but because I don't know where we will be.
It's complicated because my family lives in Tacoma  (1 hour away) and Jon's family lives in Woodinville (10 minutes away) from us. I feel like I have to decide which family to spend the holidays with and if I don't chose one family then I'll have that guilt on my conscious for a long time. Our parents only have met once and that was due to me becoming pregnant so Jon and I planned a dinner at his parent's house so they could meet finally. It went smoothly for the most part. My dad was slightly embarrassing me with stories from when I was little plus he isn't the most social person. My mom was pretty quiet which is not normal when she's home, she didn't say much honestly. She just becomes very quiet in new situations and it concludes others around her to think she's quiet.
This year though, my mom wants Madison and I to come down for Thanksgiving dinner. Jon of course is cooking dinner for his family and his sister, Heather and grandmother who hasn't met Madison wants us to join them for dinner. I wish our families talked on a more daily basis so it wouldn't be so easy. I know my mom won't want to travel, she's a homebody. My dad will go with the flow, but it is just stressing me out!
My solution is to join the two families in Woodinville that way my sister and grandfather won't have to drive so far south. It will be around 13 of us depending on if Ambre is bringing her boyfriend, Matt to dinner so it will be not as spacious like usual, but it's everyone together and hey we're family. We need to communicate and get to know one another somehow, why not through Thanksgiving dinner?
As for Christmas, I'm still working out the kinks, but I think Madison and I might spend Christmas morning with Jon's family then go down to Tacoma to spend Christmas afternoon/ dinner there. I hope the weather participates with us if that is the plan, I just don't like having to decide what to do.

 Ah, what to do?
Any advice if anyone reads this?

My Life :)

After reading a colleague's blog, I find myself being inspired to post what is going on in order to keep myself somewhat sane. I don't know where to start, my mind is running with many ideas as to what I should even say. Maybe an introduction is best first off :)

Hi, my name is Susan. I live in Bothell, WA with my boyfriend, Jon and baby girl, Madison. I live the life of a young mom, and I love every minute of it. Life has been a spiral for me this past year let's just say.

To begin with, I found out I was pregnant when I was 29 weeks along on December 22, 2009. I'm sure you're thinking, how did I not know this whole time? Well I honestly have had an abnormal period since I was 17, some months I wouldn't get one so I was used to my body and it's weird period cycle. Plus I wasn't gaining weight excessively. Yes I was gaining weight, but I thought it was from all the stress with moving in with Jon and eating his cooking which was delish by the way. I never suspected that I could ever be until a co-worker asked me if I was sure. He just said I looked like I was glowing. As soon I got off work, I drove to the store and bought myself a pregnancy test. I cried as soon as I saw the pink line. I took a long shower and cried for an hour wondering what I would do and how would I tell people. I didn't want to believe the test so the next day I went to Planned Parenthood and took another test just to be sure I was seeing correctly.

 When I found out, I didn't know what to do honestly, but cry and think, "how can we raise a child when we aren't financially stable?" Questions were running through my mind like crazy and could not stop crying for the next two hours after finding out. I talked to a counselor and she gave me information on options available like adoption and raising a child. I was unable to think about what to do except to consider adoption because of our financial situation. After I was able to soak up the last of my tears for the day, I decided to head home and figure out what to do from there. I was scheduled to work that night, but called in for my first time because I had too much on my mind. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about how to tell Jon and others.

The next few days I had to figure how and when to tell Jon. On Christmas Eve, Jon and his family have a tradition gathering with his best friend Reed's family and others as well to celebrate together the holidays. I went since I wouldn't see them on Christmas day. I had the hardest time hiding what was on my mind, Jon knew something was on my mind, but I just didn't have the heart to tell him onChristmas Eve. He was drinking with Reed and some other friends while I was in the other room with his sister, Ambre. I remember him calling for me, I went to him and he asked me if I was pregnant. What do I do?! Tell him right then and there when he's drunk in front of his friends? I couldn't  so I lied and I said no when I wanted to yell yes! I don't remember why he asked me that, but one of his friends asked him that and he thought he needed to ask me because I wasn't drinking booze. I think he did ask Ambre too and she just laughed in his face. I had to walk away with my head hanging low after that, I wanted to cry after that, but kept it together. I ended up leaving a little after midnight towards home (Tacoma) and just kept replaying the scenario over and over again questioning myself. Why didn't I just say yes?

Christmas morning arrived, and I was ready to tell my family. I remember getting up and my mom was going all out for breakfast with pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast. It was going to be a memorable day as I sat down at the table and my mom took one look at me and said, "What's wrong with you? Are you pregnant?" Right then and there I started to cry. Her reaction was worse than I imagined, I was hoping for some support. She then said, "Why are you crying? You asked for this upon yourself." My dad wasn't in the room, but I knew he knew. My sister was the first person I told as soon as I found out, I called her and told her. I do remember her being excited for me. Breakfast was awkward after that, I barely touched my food. We didn't open gifts right after eating, it took about an hour so everyone could get cleaned up and ready for the photo opportunities to come. It was also gave time for my mom to process the whole situation. She was able to look at me after the awkwardness at breakfast, she was still in shock and mad at my announcement. I knew it would take her time to accept it.

 In the end, I told my boyfriend on the 26th of December. He came home from work I believe and I was at home watching "Knocked Up" (great choice, I know). I started crying pretty much after he said hi and asked how my day was. He knew something was up right then and there. I told him he needs to sit down for what I was about to tell him. He preferred to stand, but he didn't for long as I was finally able to say I was pregnant through the sobbing and tears. He sat down speechless and didn't say anything for five minutes. It was the longest five minutes of my life! He finally talked and we talked for an hour after about what we do, when we would tell his family since I already told mine. We had to sit down and clear our minds after that life changing conversation so we went to the movies. I could tell it was on his mind still so I grabbed his hand letting him know it would be okay. He squeezed mine in return. Both of us knew that our lives were going to change forever, but in that moment I knew we would be okay :)