Melting point.

Ever heard the phrase, "happy mommy, happy baby?"
It really does apply in all cases.

Take yesterday for example, not a good day for mom or baby.

 I didn't have a good night after Thanksgiving dinner because Jon was drunk and saying mean things to me which made me really sad, but I didn't want to show it in front of his family so I just put on a happy face in hopes of leaving for home soon. Instead of coming home he stayed at his friends house. The next morning he came home and apologized for being so drunk, but no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't forgive him. I don't know why, but all my built up resentment towards him just couldn't forgive him for the hurtful things he said so yesterday just was my meltdown point. I couldn't look at him without getting mad, so Madison and I went to the library so I could just focus on my school studies. We later came home and my temper still was fuming. I just never got this mad even growing up. I don't know why, but at home I just tried to put my happy face on for Madison's sake and she could see right through it. She was feeding off my vibe and it just ended up with her crying non-stop no matter how much I held her or played with her, she was not in a happy mood nor was I. I couldn't take it and I just broke down crying and yelling because I was so frustrated that she wouldn't stop crying while she cried in her crib. I haven't broken down since she's been born and it just all got to me.

Jon took her and comforted her because I was still in the bedroom angry with myself for acting this way.  He came in later and sat down apologizing for what he said last night. I don't know if I should forgive him at this point. Every time he says the hurtful things he says to me, it makes me feel so insecure about myself and I always wonder when am I going to become a single parent officially. This is the part of parenthood that makes me wonder if we can make it through parenthood together or will I have to be a single mom. Until then everyday is one step at a time as we attempt to get through this together.
Our status right now is shaky, I haven't forgiven him and I don't know what to do at this point. I'm thinking we need to do couples therapy, I don't know though. Help?

Has anyone else gone through this? Or am I alone?

Snowgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'll keep this short and sweet!

Today is an exciting day with Madison's first thanksgiving!
She's super excited with the snow and seeing family!
Today is the first snowgiving for us as well!

I"m thankful for...
*family that supports my little family with love and words of encouragement.
*my boyfriend, Jon and daugher, Madison who make me happy.
*what we have been given with each blessing watching Madison grow everyday into an adventurous little girl.
*a healthy baby :)
*everyone in my family is all healthy and living life.
*the friends I've reconnected with throughout this year making our friendships stronger than ever.


Happy turkey day and eat lots!

Appreciate.

As the holidays approach, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness. Yes it is the time of year to spend the most time with family, but it seems like every year gets less and less in my case. This will be my second year away from Thanksgiving with my family. I feel saddened by this and can't help but wish time would go back to when I did go home. Last year, I remember Jon and I wanted to spend Thanksgiving together for the first time since we've been together and it was a great Thanksgiving, but now that this is going to be my second year spending it without my family, it makes me want to just surprise them on Thanksgiving day even more.
I know it sounds like a great idea in my mind and when it's say aloud, but the drive down in the snow/ice would scare me and just make me have a heart attack. I haven't driven in the snow this year yet in they Hyundi yet, Jon told me that it drives fine but I've been in way too many close calls with snow driving that I still get nervous thinking about it. I'm going to plan to see my family on Christmas day, but why can't that be here sooner? With school coming to an end and other priorities already made, it's feels like there isn't enough time for me to make up to my family for missing out on another Thanksgiving.

I realize that I'm missing out on making family memories with my own family. Cherishing the time you have with family is the most important thing anyone can do in their lives. Do cherish what time you have with family because as you get older, life gets in the way sometimes which makes you miss it even more.

Let it snow for my baby girl.

What a way to celebrate Madison's 9 months with snow :)

We woke up to snow and she just gazed out the window watching it fall. Today is Monday which means it's baby music class so we put on our warm winter gear and trotted out.

                                                      Here is us outside :)


We ended up being the only weekly ones there besides another baby named Jake who just started the class. It was still an enjoyable time for us and it even started to snow lightly while we were there.

After class, we went home and I found out that my evening class was canceled so it was a family day at home! It was just nice to be stuck at home with family :) Madison showed off her standing skills (sorta) to me. Here she is peaking into her toy box!

 For dinner, we ate grilled cheese and tomato soup (my favorite)!

Madison had a bubble bath with me and she loves water, I have a feeling she is going to be a swimmer (nothing like me in that sense).


It was just another great day with my little family :)
Happy 9 months my baby girl, I love you!

Happy Birthday big baby.

Happy Birthday to my big baby, Jon Paul.

I love you even though we drive each other crazy sometimes in our tiny apartment that gets smaller everyday with Madison crawling around. You still make me happy after a hectic day with Madison and I love you for teaching me to keep calm and breath when I feel like I'm going to go crazy!



♥

Transformation.

I hate when people talk about body image so this is an advanced warning that I will be talking about my body image for the first time since baby was born. Here I go.

"You had a baby?"

Yes I get that a lot. I know I should feel blessed that I was able to go back to wearing my pre-baby clothing within a week after Madison was born, but eight months after having my little bundle of love I feel like I am bleh.

My body changed after having Madison, obviously. Since I'm breast feeding, my boobs are bigger and I don't have that same look to me as before. I feel like I'm still getting used to my body (I know eight months post baby).

Lately the past two weeks, I've been contemplating whether to breast feed until Madison's first birthday, but I just keep contemplating to stop at nine months which is coming up or to keep on chugging along. I am getting insight from family and friends and I just want to be me again. I keep on having this battle with myself on what is best for Madison, but I need to blog my peace to get it off my chest.

I know it will sound selfish, but I want to be able to wear my favorite tops again. Since breast feeding, I can't wear what I want on top. I need to make sure that I have access to feed her wherever we are. I want my boobs to go back to my size before (34B), I don't know how girls who get bigger boobs do it. It's so uncomfortable and hard to find tops that fit me now, I despise shopping now. I know Jon loves them, but seriously it makes me uncomfortable. I secretly loathe them. I feel like when I walk into a room that's all that people stare at me for. I'm sure they are staring at me because I look like I'm sixteen with a baby, seriously! I might be over exaggerating on how big they are, but I hide them when I get the chance. They just don't fit my personality and I hope they do go down back to my pre baby size.

There I said my peace about my post baby body.
Now I'm ready to move on.

Indulgence.

Happy Belated Halloween everyone!

I hope yours was memorable :)

Growing up, I was not given the chance to crave pumpkins, go trick or treating with my parents, and just enjoy dressing up on Halloween night. Yes, I did go trick or treating, but with my friends and their parents. My parents aren't big on Halloween to say the least. So growing up deprived of halloween tradition, I decided this is the year of indulging with Madison's first Halloween.

                                            Craving pumpkins:

Pumpkin craving :)

Grandma getting the guts out.

Madison assisting with her cracker :)

Hello Kitty pumpkin :)
Mommy & Madison's first of many to come :)

Madison was able to enjoy her first Halloween indulging in all the activities that a kid should.
She went to her first costume party at her grandfather's work, she was the cutest baby there :) She craved a pumpkin with the help of mommy of course and we were able to see it shine for the past few nights :) She went trick or treating with mommy at Bellevue Square mall and had such a blast seeing all the other kids and babies dressed up! It was a jungle out there literally. She even was the only trick or treater at her grandparents house and oh goodness the treats she got. She handed her eggplants and peppers off to her daddy for cooking, but she liked them while she had them :)

Halloween was a success thanks to family love :)

                                                                 Here is Madison =)

My kitty cat napping before Halloween =)