Happy Birthday big baby.

Happy Birthday to my big baby, Jon Paul.

I love you even though we drive each other crazy sometimes in our tiny apartment that gets smaller everyday with Madison crawling around. You still make me happy after a hectic day with Madison and I love you for teaching me to keep calm and breath when I feel like I'm going to go crazy!



♥

Transformation.

I hate when people talk about body image so this is an advanced warning that I will be talking about my body image for the first time since baby was born. Here I go.

"You had a baby?"

Yes I get that a lot. I know I should feel blessed that I was able to go back to wearing my pre-baby clothing within a week after Madison was born, but eight months after having my little bundle of love I feel like I am bleh.

My body changed after having Madison, obviously. Since I'm breast feeding, my boobs are bigger and I don't have that same look to me as before. I feel like I'm still getting used to my body (I know eight months post baby).

Lately the past two weeks, I've been contemplating whether to breast feed until Madison's first birthday, but I just keep contemplating to stop at nine months which is coming up or to keep on chugging along. I am getting insight from family and friends and I just want to be me again. I keep on having this battle with myself on what is best for Madison, but I need to blog my peace to get it off my chest.

I know it will sound selfish, but I want to be able to wear my favorite tops again. Since breast feeding, I can't wear what I want on top. I need to make sure that I have access to feed her wherever we are. I want my boobs to go back to my size before (34B), I don't know how girls who get bigger boobs do it. It's so uncomfortable and hard to find tops that fit me now, I despise shopping now. I know Jon loves them, but seriously it makes me uncomfortable. I secretly loathe them. I feel like when I walk into a room that's all that people stare at me for. I'm sure they are staring at me because I look like I'm sixteen with a baby, seriously! I might be over exaggerating on how big they are, but I hide them when I get the chance. They just don't fit my personality and I hope they do go down back to my pre baby size.

There I said my peace about my post baby body.
Now I'm ready to move on.

Indulgence.

Happy Belated Halloween everyone!

I hope yours was memorable :)

Growing up, I was not given the chance to crave pumpkins, go trick or treating with my parents, and just enjoy dressing up on Halloween night. Yes, I did go trick or treating, but with my friends and their parents. My parents aren't big on Halloween to say the least. So growing up deprived of halloween tradition, I decided this is the year of indulging with Madison's first Halloween.

                                            Craving pumpkins:

Pumpkin craving :)

Grandma getting the guts out.

Madison assisting with her cracker :)

Hello Kitty pumpkin :)
Mommy & Madison's first of many to come :)

Madison was able to enjoy her first Halloween indulging in all the activities that a kid should.
She went to her first costume party at her grandfather's work, she was the cutest baby there :) She craved a pumpkin with the help of mommy of course and we were able to see it shine for the past few nights :) She went trick or treating with mommy at Bellevue Square mall and had such a blast seeing all the other kids and babies dressed up! It was a jungle out there literally. She even was the only trick or treater at her grandparents house and oh goodness the treats she got. She handed her eggplants and peppers off to her daddy for cooking, but she liked them while she had them :)

Halloween was a success thanks to family love :)

                                                                 Here is Madison =)

My kitty cat napping before Halloween =)

"Dada."

Yes Madison finally said her first word, dada.
I didn't want to believe it, but she did.

She kept saying it after dinner tonight. Jon would tell her to say dad and she would say "dada"  back just repeating it continuously. I'm a bit jealous because she didn't say mama, but I am sad because she is getting so brilliant. How is it that everyday she seems to be learn something new and accomplish a goal I hoped to not see because I wanted to keep her little forever.

Yes me being a mommy, I cried because I realized that she is growing up right before my eyes. She just looked at me and smiled as Jon told me it would be okay.

I know it will be, but can she just slow down on the growing for awhile so I can cuddle and cherish the moments even more?

Ah, so grown up.

I can't believe Madison is 8 months old already, it makes me wonder where the time has gone.

I love watching her develop as  a little baby to a little person that will accomplish so much in the world :)

Just from her 8 months being here with us, I can tell the following about her:

She is going to be a happy child.
She is tech savvy thanks to her daddy.
She will have incredible style thanks to her mommy.
She will have no fear of heights.
She is showing signs of independence wanting to be fed herself with the spoon.
She will be a very smart and aware of her surroundings.
She will be an animal lover especially for cats.
She has no hair still, but she is able to wear cute little headbands.
She is going to be a story teller.
She will be a great decorator and organizer :)
She will have a great smile that will spread infectiously.


I love you baby girl :)

Apologies.

"I'm sorry" are two powerful words that can make all the difference in a relationship. To hear those two words broke me down this past Tuesday night.

Let me start from the beginning though to fill you in on the backstory. Emily and I were best friends in high school, the best of the best. People would talk about us as a pair and not as Susan or Emily when together. We were inseparable and she was one of the few friends of mine that actually met my family and enjoyed their company. We first met in ninth grade and hit it off, we became such good friends by the time our senior came around, we both even decided to attend the same college at Western Washington.

As fall approached, we both moved into our dorms, not near by but we knew we could always visit one another. We were still really great friends, we had so many fun memories until that spring quarter. Something changed in our relationship, I couldn't tell you what it was, but it changed. Emily and I were not as close as in high school, she was not telling me stuff and I was doing the same because I didn't know how to approach her about it. I remember we stopped hanging out as much, she was different. By the time it was summertime, I lost her and it broke my heart.

I came home for the summer and reflected on my first year away, I lost friends including the most valuable one that I cherished. I knew even if we sorted things out, it wouldn't be the same ever again. Going into our second year, I hoped that we would sit down and talk. It never happened. During the summer Emily decided to move down to Lynnwood and go to school down there. I wished it was different, but I know it wouldn't be. Over the next few years we went our separate ways. It wasn't until I broke up with my first real boyfriend that I sent her a fb (facebook) message asking for advice. The response I got broke my heart even more. I was distraught as I read it as she spilled her guts out to me explaining that I was different and not the same Susan as before, etc. She went off on me basically calling our friendship off for good. I lost a part of me and it hasn't been found since.

This year I decided it was time to reach out to her and see if we could reconnect. Emily and I decided to have lunch dates and go from there, overall it was good to see her but it was still different. There was an awkwardness in the air like dancing around a bush to avoid confronting it. This past Tuesday, Madison and I went to her house to visit and hang out. It was great to see her again like always but once again, the awkwardness was there. I was getting ready to leave to go home while she was in the kitchen. I went in and she said, "I'm sorry." Right then, I started to cry. For the first time in years since I've known Emily, she cried. She said more stuff that brought our issues to the surface and for the first time I felt like a brick was lifted off my shoulder. We hugged and I headed home with Maddie. On the way home, I felt a relief of happiness and a fresh start for us to renew our friendship and a piece of me feels full again.

I'm glad that she can be here as I start a new chapter in my life being a mom. I want her to be part of my life because it felt empty without her. She has been the one friend I have always been the one to talk to about anything regarding family and personal stuff I couldn't bring to tell anyone about. For anyone out there wondering if it's too late to apologize to fix a friendship or relationship, it's never too late.

Truly Blessed.

Last night, I had a great conversation with a old friend from middle school who I have grown to become great friends over this past year. She and I both just have realized that you find your true friends as life gives you new chapters in life like having a baby. I lost touch with a lot of friends after some found out I was pregnant and it's sad to say good-bye to them, but at the same it's a realization that people change and life does go on. I can say I have a handful of friends that I can talk to about anything and it sounds pathetic, but it doesn't matter really. I used to be the girl with a whole bunch of acquaintances and I felt like I had the whole in my hands, but now as I age gracefully, I see that those who you can talk to and trust are the ones that mean more than just another acquaintance. I've been able to reconnect to old friends and it's different, but in a more meaningful way where we can talk about our lives and they actually mean something now.


Anyways I'm babbling, time to take Madison to her music class :)